4 minutes

confessions of a squash court manager

Episode 22

4 minutes

I was having a hit later today, and as I had been having a bit of calf trouble I dropped into the local chemist warehouse to purchase a pressure bandage...How hard could it be?

The doors opened at the local Chemist Warehouse at 8.30 am, I walked through the doors at 8.32, first customer of the day....where's my early morning discount?
They had no calf bandages but I thought a knee one would do the job, the only size was large, must be like condoms..one size fits all.

I went to the check out and was greeted by a slightly dim looking elderly Italian woman, full of good cheer and happiness, NOT.
"G'day love just  these thanks". I said, handing over the bandage and some hair wax; to keep the silver locks looking their best! " How much is the Polo Ralph after shave?" I asked.
" $29 for the small, $69 for the large," grunted dimmy.

I paid for my stuff and left the store. Just outside I sat on a chair in the food hall opposite and tried the bandage on for size, Just in case. Shit it was to big. I had thrown the receipt in a very large, very deep bin in the food hall, but as I had just purchased it and had the bag, how wrong could I go?

I walked back into the store and as dimmy was busy I went to one of the assistants,
"Hi, I just purchased this bandage and it's too big, I would like to swap it for one of the elbow braces please." I asked in my most pleasant manner.

"Do you have the receipt?" she asked

"No I threw it in the bin,out there," I said, pointing out to the food hall.

"I'm sorry, but we do need the receipt to ensure that you actually did buy it from here." she said, sounding rather smug.

"Hang on, its in the original box, in a chemist warehouse bag, and it was only 4 fucking minutes ago. Lets check with the old Italian duck on the check out who served me, she'll remember me for sure."
I was getting annoyed.

We went over to dimmy, and the assistant asked, "Hey Marilyn do you remember selling this bandage and wax to this guy earlier this morning?"
Dimmy looked at me then at the 2 products.
"No I don't recall selling those or him" she said.

"What are you talking about, I bought them four bloody minutes ago, AND I asked you the price of the Polo aftershave, $29 for the small, $69 for the large, you told me." I was about to blow my stack!

"I'm sorry sir, I don't remember serving you."

"OK, wheres the camera, this must be a joke or a funniest home videos set up, surely, no one could be that bloody dopey." I asked. No reaction, this was real.

"This is crazy, I literally bought it  4 fucking minutes ago, what are you a gold fish?" Now I was really pissed!

"Where's the manager." I asked....yes, I pulled the old, wheres the manage card... I had to!

The assistant raced to the safety of the back office, returning several minutes later looking very relieved."We have checked the sales for the morning and found the record of your purchase,you may swap it over." she said, in a thank god lets get this fucker out of here tone
Great they were able to trawl through all 5 transactions to find mine...well done.

Good squashing
squash godfather

The Nut Case

Confessions of a squash court manager

episode 21

The Nut Case

Well who would have thought me, the squash godfather could instill so much anger and hostility in a person...I use the word person very loosely when talking about this nut case.

Mrs squash godfather and I went  for my weekly torture session at our local squash centre. Upon arrival I noticed playing on one of the courts was the nut case, he had recently lost a bet to me, so I tapped on the glass and said, "don't forget to give me that lotto ticket before you leave."
He immediately burst into an expletive laden tirade that I would have been very proud of, and stormed off the court.

"You fucking cheap good looking bastard," 

Despite his anger he couldn't help but notice the obvious, he's only human.

"You fucker, you owe me fifty bucks." he said as he swung his racquet toward my face,NOT THE FACE!

He was pushing and trying to grab me, and thinking he was about to whack me, my inner Jack Reacher kicked in. (For people unfamiliar with Jack Reacher, he is author Lee Childs famous one man wrecking crew character, amiably played by Tom Cruise in the movie REACHER.)
I digress, if I faked left then moved right I could land a crushing blow with my right elbow into his left cheek smashing teeth, splitting lips and tongue, very effective.
Or I could  leg sweep him at the same time pushing him full force in the chest, sending him crashing backwards, winded onto the floor, cracking  his skull and rattling his obvious peanut sized brain,  nasty but nice.If you get my drift.
Alternatively I could launch myself with extreme propulsion from my massive thighs and land a flying head butt smack into the middle of his fucking ugly face, crushing facial bones and  if possible making him even uglier. Nice option!

In the end I opted for my most effective weapon. I gave him my meanest stare and told him to act his fucking age not his penis size. Works every time. 

The squash godfather is a lover not a fighter.

Good squashing

squash godfather

Just pick a time

confessions of a squash court manager

episode 20

Just pick a time

This happens to the squash godfather quite often and it really pisses me off.

Yesterday I got a phone call from some bozo wanting to book a court at the Corleone Squash Center.

"Good morning, Corleone Squash Center, squash godfather speaking, how may I help you?" I said, trying my best to sound enthusiastic on a Monday morning..

"Yeah g'day mate, I am looking to book a court today, what times do you have available?" the bozo asked.

"What time are you looking for?" I asked, thinking to myself, oh no not one of these fuck wits again.

"What times do you have available?" Bozo asked again.

Trying to remain calm I replied, "look, its much simpler if you tell me what time you want to play and I will see if there are any spots free at that time." ...pretty fucking simple!!

"We're not sure what time we want to play, just give us some options."  

Holy shit, how hard is it to pick a time, does he think I'm a fucking mind reader.

"Well its pretty quiet most of the day until 4," I said.

"Nah that's too early, I was thinking later."

That's it, he had worn me down. I had been to nice for too long. "Look mate you're sapping my strength, either give me an exact time or I'm hanging up."

"Well I'm not sure...."   

Clang, I hung up the phone. Lifes to bloody short.

Another satisfied customer

good squashing

squash godfather

I don't want bloody water

Confessions of a squash court manager

episode 19

I don't want bloody water

Day League. Two dreaded words that send a shiver down my spine, had come around to Corleone Squash Center again. I arrived at work prepared for battle, my tongue  was razor sharp!

I should say at the outset that most players are great, but the ones who aren't are fucking miserable.

Two women had finished their match and were at the drink fridge choosing their desired beverage.
As is the protocol in squash, the winner has the honour of buying the loser a drink.
"This place is a disgrace, where's the bloody diet Gatorade?" I could hear one of the women (I use that term very loosely) saying at the top of her whiney voice. "Every time I play here there's a problem."

"Whats the problem Connie, why don't you just grab a bottle of water." Asked the victor, trying to calm her now very angry opponent down, who's obviously a bad loser.

"I don't want bloody water, I want a diet Gatorade," said the loser, now turning her anger onto the squash godfather...silly woman.
 "Where's the diet Gatorade?" she yelled at me at the top of her voice.

"We don't carry diet Gatorade, but we do have diet Pepsi, Solo light and water," I said, in my most charming voice.

"I don't want any of those." she spat, "I want diet Gatorade!"

"Well then, you're out of luck," I said, desperately trying to maintain the charm.

"That's not bloody good enough, I want a diet Gatorade," she spat again, this time with real venom.

That was it, I had had enough of this crazy bitch, it was time to unleash the tongue, "Look, I've  told you what drinks I have, if none of them are good enough, bad luck. Please, piss off." I said, this time without the charm.

"You can't speak to me like that," she said. "That's the worst customer service I've ever experienced.You should  listen to your customers without saying anything." she said...obviously delusional.
"You must be mistaken me for someone who cares? I don't. So like I said before PISS OFF."

She turns around, grabs her squash bag and walks out of Corleone Squash Center, without saying another word.......Fucking miracles do happen.

Her opponent, who was still standing in front of the fridge, turns to me and says, "what a crazy bitch"  Great, I thought it was just me...phew.

Another satisfied customer

Good squashing

squash godfather.

but we're members

Confessions of a squash court manager

episode 18

"But we're members"

Two casual members walk into the Corleone Squash Center on a very chilly July Wednesday morning.

"Hi squash godfather, any chance of a court,? he asked, with a smirk on his dopey face.

"I can see that you are flat out, but I'm sure you can find a spare court for 2 of your finest members."

I think he was trying to be funny, it wasn't working, but as there was no one else in the place, it's pretty bloody obvious that there is a spare court.

"Wow Tom you are so fucking funny, that's the first time anyone has said that to me, how long have you been waiting to use that line?" I asked, trying to maintain my cool, calm demeanor. "$8 each please," I said, grabbing a tenner from both. "Here's your change, you 2 comedians go onto court 3."
They grabbed their change and headed around to their court, trying to think of a snappy come back, maybe in an hour they may have one, I doubt it.

I gave them an hour and a half, bloody good value for $8, then turned the lights on their court off.

"Hey what's going on, the lights have gone out," an irate Tom said dripping sweat on my beautiful clean counter.

"You've been on for an hour and a half, times up." I said.

"But we're both members," he said with a tone of defiance.

"That's why they didn't go off after an hour," I said, with a similar tone of defiance.

"We haven't finished our game yet."

"Well it's going to cost you another $8...each." I said, flopping down into my chair.

He turned and walked away without saying another word. A minute later he returned.

"Here's the money," he said, slapping $20 down on the counter."we're not happy squash godfather." he said as he stomped off back around to his court, which  miraculously had the lights back on.

Show me the money , I will show you the light.

2 more happy customers.

good squashing

squash godfather

it's not me it's you

confessions of a squash court manager

episode 17

it's not me it's you

SGF: Hey squash racquet you haven't been hitting very good shots lately, whats up?

Squash Racquet: The problems not me, it's you, your useless!

SGF: What do you mean it's not you, it's me? It has to be you, I'm good!

Squash Racquet: Well, I am just graphite and string, pretty bloody simple. The problem is  a no brainer, you have no skill, you hit the frame more than the strings. So like I said, it's not me, it's definitely you.

SGF: That,s crazy, I have been playing brilliantly, it's the fact that my opponents have well behaved racquets, racquets who know their place in the world. Not like you!

Squash Racquet: I wont be held responsible for your lack of talent on a squash court. My twin brother, who came from the same factory I did, two minutes after me in fact, has not lost a match, because his you has talent.

SGF: I dont believe it, you were probably the runt of the batch, and I was unfortunate enough to pick you from the shelf. If I had picked one of the others I too would be a winner. But oh no dopey me, I chose the runt, the sales person really did a con job on me, when she said "No they are all the same" and I believed her.What an idiot.

Squash Racquet: That's it, we should have a break from each other. I want to be in the hand of someone who knows how to use a racquet, not some bozo who thinks he does but really doesn't. 

Your main problem is  you keep me in the closet too long, you don't take me out enough.

SGF: Fine, let's split. I will use other racquets, I'll show you. I will probably win the up coming club championships, with a younger, newer, sleeker model in my hand. You have been holding me back for years.

Squash Racquet: Good luck with your new racquet, I hope you will both be happy. I am a firm believer that a good tradesman doesn't blame his tool. 

Unfortunately you chose me, I didn't chose you, I had no say in it .So through no fault of mine, I got lumbered with a loser.

SGF: Loser! Who are you calling a loser? Before you came into my life I was a winner baby, slotting knicks you can only dream about. Life was amazing, I didn't have a care in the world. Then one day tragedy struck. I hit her too hard on the wall and she snapped, it was over, I had no choice but to throw her in the bin. 

That was a sad day, that's when you entered my life, I haven't been the same since. 

That fateful day at Jim Kidds when I met the runt.

Squash Racquet: You just summed it up, you hit the wall with her, another classic miss hit. As I said, it's not me it's you! Put me back in the closet.

nice try

Confessions of a squash court manager

episode 16

nice try

I cant blame anyone for trying to get something for nothing, hell, I try every trick in the book to scam a bargain. However this dickhead tried to scam me! the bloody squashgodfather, how fucking stupid can a person be?

Lets call this dickhead Vito. Vito brings his racquet in to the Corleone Squash Centre for a restring.

"Hi squashgodfather can you restring this in Technifibre for me?" he asked, handing the racquet over to me.

"No problem Vito, the question is are you good enough to need such top quality string? you could probably get away with some cheap old fishing line" I said with a smirk on my handsome face.

"You really are an arsehole? Just do it ASAP... Please." He said.  

"Will do, it will be ready tomorrow. You don't get awesome service like that anywhere else do ya?

"Yeah with a mouthful of  abuse thrown in, that's great customer service." he said heading out the door.

"Fuck off." I yelled at his back as he crossed the carpark.

I cut the old strings out of Vito's racquet and as requested restrung it in Technifibre, the king of squash string. Waste of good fucking string on Vito,if you ask me, but the customer is always right...Oh yeah!

Once finished, as always, I did a thorough inspection of the racquet and made a note of any chips, scratches or other defects. Just in case of trouble later. 

Vito's racquet had a couple of small but distinguishable chips at about the 2 o'clock position on the head. I noted these in my file, and my mind!

2 weeks later Vito comes off court and shows me his racquet, the strings were broken."whats going squashgodfather, strings break after 2 weeks. That's not good enough." he says slamming it down onto the counter.

"Calm down," I said, grabbing the racquet off the counter and having a quick look over it. There was something not quite right with  it even though it looked the same. I reached down and took out my notes and flicked through to Vito's job. Sure enough the 2 chips at 2 o'clock had disappeared. Hallelujah its a miracle! Turns out shifty Vito had 2 of the same racquets, and this was the other one.

 "Nice try Vito, get your wallet out"

another happy customer

good squashing

squashgodfather

shut up

confessions of a squash court manager

episode 15

                                                                            shut up

 This little event happened to the squashgodfather during the twilight years of his illustrious playing career. I was playing in A reserve, one grade down from the big dicks in A grade.

After 30 odd years of playing and reffing I was pretty case hardened and not prepared to take any shit, on or off the court.

It was a typical cold winters night at the Kings Park squash club. I had played my match, thoroughly kicked my opponents arse in 3 and was now reffing the next match of the night. Things were trotting along quite peacefully until the Kings Park player asks for a let. "No let" I said. The player carried on, obviously in agreement with my decision, tough shit if he didn't..

Suddenly a muffled "that's shit" came  from the old joker standing to my right, who was obviously there to watch his Kings Park mates get their arses whipped by the Corleone boys. I let it slide....but it was mentally noted.

"Let please" came another plea from the Kings Park guy.

"Yes let" I said. Once again comes a muffled "bloody hell" from the same old prick.

This went on for some time, him bitching under his breath about every one of my decisions.

"Let please" the kings Park player asks...again.

"No Let, I don't believe you would have got it." I said with an air of importance.

"Shit, that's a terrible decision." said the  muffled spectator. I snapped, I had had enough!

"Stop" I shouted at the 2 players, 'We have a change of ref , this dickhead standing next to me is obviously an expert, hes in I'm out." I said stepping back away from the hand rail. 

The old guy had a look of terror on his face, and he was desperately trying to speak, "Argh sorry,please I cant" he spluttered.

"Are you going to keep your trap shut? and let me make the decisions." I asked. He was nodding his head so hard I thought it might fall off. 

There was not another peep from the old prick all night , and I really tested him with a few dodgey decisions to really piss him off....I'm evil!

Good squashing

ssquashgodfather

good catch

confessions of a squash court manager

episode 14

good catch

This episode happened several years ago when the squashgodfather was a slightly leaner meaner fighting machine than he is today.

I was busy getting the Corleone squash center into its usual tip top condition for the day ahead, when I heard the bell go off signalling that some one had come in. I was just finishing up mopping the showers, so yelled out "I will be there in 2 secs" I finished the showers, put the mop in the bucket and headed out to the reception.

To my shock I saw some bastard running across the carpark carrying my cash register. Mine, the squashgodfathers . What an arsehole!!

 I immediately burst into action, without concern for life and limb and took off out the door and across the carpark after him. With amazing speed I caught up with him down  the far corner of the carpark, he had a look of sheer terror in his eyes, for he new he was trapped by the squashgodfather!

Suddenly the trapped animal spun around and as if tossing a medicine ball,  threw the bloody register at me. 

I had a split second to make a decision; the mega brain started to crunch the numbers:

1. catch the cash register and let the prick get away, or 

2. don't catch it and grab him....expensive!.

My inner tight arse kicked in and I caught the cash register. Great catch I might add, as the bloody thing weighed a ton!

good squashing

squashgodfather. 

one minute

confessions of a squash court manager

episode 13

one minute

I know this may sound very strange, but sometimes things happen to the squashgodfather outside the confines of the Corleone squash center which make me go; what th?

One such, what th, moment happened  when I phoned the local golf course ( I wont mention any names, to protect the stupid) to make a booking.
My old, very old, bloody ancient in fact, golfing mate and I thought it would be a nice gesture to give the folks at our local golf course the opportunity to see our silky golfing skills for a change. We have been spoiling the hackers at  a neighboring course for far too long.
Bye the way, when I say our silky skills, I actually mean mine!

"Good morning, Local golf course, how may I help you?' answered  the young woman when I called to make a booking.

"G'day love, I'm looking to book a round of nine  holes in next Wednesday morning at 8.45 for 2 of golfs finest."

"I'm sorry sir I can't get you in at 8.45.' She said with a tone of complete sincerity.

"Oh, that's no bloody good," I said, "whats the next opening time you have for nine holes,? I asked, hoping to get in some time before lunch.

"Well I can get you in at 8.46,"  she said, without the slightest hint of humour.
I paused as I eagerly awaited the punch line, but one was not was forthcoming, this doping bird was serious.

Holy quacamole what was she thinking....one whole minute, shit forget that, that's way too long to wait! "Great love, I'll take it,book us in" 

good squashing

squashgodfather

mates

confessions of a squash court manager

episode 12

mates

This particular episode was funny to me, probably due to my warped sense of humour!

A car pulls into the carpark of the Corleone Squash Center CSC, and 2 guys get out and start walking toward the entrance. They are obviously mates, both about 35ish and are talking and laughing with each other as old mates do, and they came in the same car!

"Hi Luka, how are you going?" 

One of the guys happens to be one of my members, a bit of an arsehole if truth be told.

"Hi squashgodfather, I've bought my mate Sonny in to give him a whooping." 

He said looking cockily at a not so impressed Sonny. 

"What court can we go on squashgodfather, hows about the show court?" 

Fuck no, I don't know about his mate, but Luka is a total hacker, certainly not the type of player I want to use to promote the game of squash.

"You've got to be kidding, surely? I will hide you guys as far away from the viewing public as possible, go down to court 6."

"Have you been told today that you are a real areshole, squashgodfather.?" 

He said with a tinge of venom in his voice.

"Let me see, whats the time, 11am. Yeah 3 times today already, your the 4th. Court 6, fuck off."

Away they went, down to the dungeon that is court 6, safely tucked away from public view. All seemed to go pretty well, I could hear a few yells and a bit of arguing, which is totally normal for a game of squash, you should hear the whinging that comes from my opponents.

"Give me 2 Gatorades will ya squashgodfather." 

Asked Luka, who by the look of anger on his face had  been beaten by Sonny and was subsequently buying  the drinks.An awful feeling I hear, hasn't happened to me in 40 years of playing squash!

"How was the game Luka?" 

I asked,  knowing not very good since he was buying the drinks.

" Shit house, I played like total crap, his best shots were my errors!"
Sonny chimes in, with a big toothy grin on his face. 

"I think it is a true reflection of our various abilities, I'm good and your fucking useless." 

Touche Sonny I thought.

Whack, Luka had suddenly and unexpectedly punched his mate! with a lovely crisp right cross, landing flush on Sonnys cheek. Instantly Sonny reacts and grabs Luka in a head lock and they were in to it.
I raced around the counter and pushed them towards the door, trying to avoid any stray fists. I managed to get them outside then left them to it. They stopped fighting pretty quickly once outside on the driveway, mores the pity, as I had my chair and popcorn ready to watch  Thats my warped sense of humour coming through. They dusted themselves off and headed to Lukas car, for what I am sure would be an interesting trip home.

Luka has never bought Sonny in for another game of squash....funny that!

2 more happy customers

good squashing

squashgodfather

16 beers

confessions of a squash court manager

episode 11

16 Beers 

"Hey squashgodfather you've got a pretty fit and athletic figure?"
nice bloke, I always thought  Vito was a top fella.
"for a guy your age."
arsehole!  
"How do you do it?"

This was an interesting question coming from Vito, who has been a regular once a week squash player for many years. However over the last couple of years I have noticed his guts appears to be getting bigger each week. Not a very good advertisement for the corleone squash center CSC!
 "Its not easy Vito, I maintain a very vigorous exercise regime, one which a normal human would find hard to even attempt."

"What about your diet" He asked desperately looking for an option rather than doing any extra exercise.

"Well I have a pretty normal diet, but I do enjoy a couple of beers mid week with my nightly dinner, and on the weekend I cut loose and have 3 or 4 and some wine." I could see his jaw drop, obviously hoping that I maintained this Adonis like physique on a strict diet of lettuce leaves and water.

"You call that cutting loose?" He said with a look of sheer amusement. 

"Why,  how much do you drink?" I asked him.

"During the week Monday through Thursday I have at least 16 stubbies, and more on the weekends."
Holy shit !  I am amazed he even has a  pulse, and I bet that's not sweat on his forehead but pure fucking beer.

"You must be bloody joking? 16 stubbies at least every night, that's your problem Vito"
I now realize its probably not his stomach that has grown, but his fucking bladder.
"Try cutting back to an even dozen a night, the weight will fall off you." NOT

Pearls of wisdom!

good squashing

squashgodfather

the glass

confessions of a squash court manager

episode 10

the glass

If you are unfamiliar with the Corleone Squash Centre CSC, it has 7 state of the art glass backed courts and 2 concrete backed ones, quite ahead of other centers in quality squash facilities I must say!

Anyway, this particular episode happened on a very busy Thursday afternoon, I had had another victory over my old squash partner, lets call him Davo. I use the term squash partner very loosely, as I have to give him 2 bounces, play only length and use my left hand...just to get a sweat up.

So I was basking in my winning after glow when suddenly, BANG, "What the fuck is that?" I said, although stunned by the noise I new exactly what it was. I raced around to the courts where my worst fears were realized.

Two fat guys were standing on the court with stunned  looks on their dopey faces, staring at the shattered remnants of the toughened glass panel.  I had a feeling these two fucking elephants were trouble when they waddled in. If you are unfamiliar with toughened glass, when it breaks it sounds like an explosion.

"What happened you guys?' I asked.

"I lost my balance and ran flat out into the back wall." With that fat guts I'm surprised he didn't go through the opposite courts glass as well. "Which court can we go on to finish our match?" Fat guts asked, surrounded by chunks of glass scattered all over the passage. 

"Sorry guys as you can see we are fully booked and now that you have trashed this court we will be juggling courts all night."

"Thats bullshit."  the fatter of the two dopes spat at me."We have 15 minutes left to run on our time, either give us another court or give us a refund." 

Normally in this situation I might have offered a refund of the remaining time or a free beer, the squashgodfather is known for his generosity! but as it was only 15 minutes and I couldn't believe their attitude, they were getting fuck all. 

"As I have already told you I cant help, as you can see we are flat out, what I can do though is get your details so I can send you the $1000 bill to replace the glass" They couldn't waddle out of the place fast enough......

Arseholes!

good squashing

squashgodfather

the beast

Squash Godfathers

Confessions of a squash court operator

Episode 9

THE BEAST

Thursday 10AM, a time that for a six week period sent a shiver down my spine.

A school had booked the courts at this time to give their little darlings a taste of the fantastic sport of squash. The shiver came from visions of past groups of lovely year tens who had been to the Corleone Squash Centre and tried their very best to trash the place.

Thirteen what a shitty age, they are too old to be cute but too young to be fucking sensible. So I watch the little pricks like a hawk.

I do a thorough inspection of the Centre before the darlings arrive, then once they go I do a quick run around to see what they have managed to trash.

This group thankfully turned out to be a well behaved bunch, nothing broken, stolen or tagged, miracles do happen.

However, upon entering the male toilets what I saw in one of the bowls has mentally scarred me for life. I thought a massive fucking python was sliding out of the toilet bowl.

I turned to run for the door, but stopped and took a quick look back at the beast.

Closer inspection revealed that it wasn’t a python, but the biggest fucking turd I had ever seen. No joking, it was as thick as my leg!

 I couldn't believe it, it seemed impossible that a fucking horse could sneak in, take a shit in my toilet  then leave without me noticing...bloody miracle .

I did a quick dash around the centre to see if the horse was still there... no horse!

Oh no! I suddenly realized it was up to me to deal with the beast.

Don't get me wrong, I’ve dealt with my fair share of shit disasters left behind by well meaning arseholes at the Corleone Squash Centre, but this fucker was on a whole other level.

My first thought was to leave it for the staff to deal with..Yes I am a cruel bastard. However they may think it was me who gave birth to the massive turd.

No choice, I had to man up and deal with it!

After five flushes it was still there, the fucking thing would not sink.

The amazing thing, apart from its sheer size, was the fact that there was no toilet paper in the bowl...interesting. I hope the little prick bites his nails!

The poor old toilet brush was totally out muscled, it was like taking a pocket knife to a gun fight, it just wasn't up to the job (pardon the pun).

This turd required some heavy duty machinery, possibly a back hoe or jack hammer, maybe both. After considerable chopping, hacking and dry reaching, it finally went down. Thank fuck! The beast was gone.

Once I had showered and sterilized myself, it dawned on me that only one kid had asked permission to use the bathroom. He was a skinny streak of misery, no fucking wonder; he had just shat out his whole fucking insides, possibly including his bones. It was amazing that he was still able to stand let alone walk! Surely whoever did that inhuman thing would at the very least have split their arsehole. He looked fine, if not a little proud of himself.

A week went by, I had forgotten about last week’s python episode. 10AM, the school came and went same drill as last week.

 Oh my god there it was, another giant python was sticking out of the toilet bowl a fucking carbon copy of last week. Again no paper! Interesting...I couldn’t bloody well believe it.

 My mind started racing, hold the phone, it was that same skinny streak of misery who asked to use the toilet AGAIN!  The skinny fuckers not human, he’s either the anti Christ or his old man is part python.

The last four weeks of their booking the toilets were strangely out of order.

The little loose arsed prick can die in someone else’s toilets, I don't need the paper work.

good squashing

squashgodfather

sweet spot

confessions of a squash manager

episode 8

sweet spot

This guy, I shall call dick head, had been pissing me off for some time. I had had words with him on a couple of occasions for his language in front of the kids  here at the Corleone Squash Centre CSC for the Saturday morning juniors. 

Dickhead, had left his racquet for restringing the previous Saturday and had picked it up this morning.
After he finished playing, dickhead comes up to me at the counter and appeared extremely angry.
"Hey I don't know what the bloody hell you've done when stringing this racquet, but there's no sweet spot anymore, you've completely fucked it up."
Lovely bloke, obviously got his arse whipped.

This was my chance to show this tosser just how much of of a tosser he was. "Give it to me."
I said, grabbing his racquet and heading to the court.
The squashgodfathers silky skills didn't let him down, and I was able to reel off  paint tight drives, soft touch drops, smooth volleys and finished off with trade mark, forehand cross court smash, into the nick. Roller!  Master class.

Satisfied the sweet spot was there, I walked off the court and held the racquet up.
"Sweets spot's there as large as life" I said touching the strings. "Problem is you cant find it. Give me a minute and I'll draw you a map, you may need a compass"
Dickhead snatches the racquet from me and storms out of CSC.

another satisfied customer

good squashing

squashgodfather

re-cap

Confessions of a squash court manager

episode 7

re-cap

Wednesdays should be one of my favorite days of the week. At 4pm I have a round of golf  against my long suffering....(that's code for getting his arse whipped on a regular basis),  playing partner, Fossil, followed by him buying me a  pint of  ice cold beer, in recognition of another victory for the squashgodfather.

So why don't I like Wednesdays you ask? The answer is two words Day and  League! 

Don't get me wrong, not every thing or every one involved in Day League is the cause of my melancholy surrounding Wednesdays, most are lovely fellow squash nuts, its just a couple of whinging whiners,who really piss me off.

"Hi ladies what would you like to drink?" I said to the gaggle of women standing at the counter looking at my limited range of wine on sale as they were preparing to have lunch following their matches.

"For a club with a liquor licence you have a pretty poor selection  of wine on offer." Says one of the gaggle. Obviously a real connoisseur!  "Give us a run down of what wines you have?" Real charmer this bitch!

"I have strawberry champagne." A favorite at the Corleone Squash Centre CSC. "As well as, SSB, lemon ruskis and apple cider."

"I feel like a chardonnay, do you have any?" Says the  connoisseur of the gaggle, obviously not just dumb , but also deaf.

"Right, lets re-cap" I said, trying very hard to keep the, fuck me look off my face. "I have strawberry champagne,  SSB, lemon ruskis and apple cider." 

"What about some rose'?" Thats it, this bitch is taking the piss.

"No, I've told you what I have twice, just pick one of those, or get lost."

"Give me a bottle of ssb then, how much?"

"fourteen dollars."

"Bloody hell, I can get that wine for nine dollars at my local bottle shop." Whats wrong with this fucking woman?.

"I'm not a bloody bottleshop love, give me the money or fuck off."   Faaarrk. More money  thrown in my face, I feel like a Chippendale, oh how I love Wednesdays.

Another satisfied customer.

good squash

squashgodfather

caught

confessions of a squash court manager

episode 6

caught

Well this is a nice surprize, the door chimes and  in walks a sexy looking 20 something gir.
She sidles up to the counter at Corleone Squash Centre CSC and says.
 "Hi, I am hoping there's a free court? my friend should be here shortly. Where are the toilets ?"

"Yeah, there's plenty of courts, the ladies is second on the left down the passage. She heads off to the toilets. Five minutes later a sexy 20 something  guy comes in. 
"Hi, can I  hire a court and I will buy a ball?" he asks.

"Sure that will be Thirty two dollars please" He pulls out a card and taps his money away....to the welcome arms of the squashgodfathers bank account. Barely had the till closed when out from the toilets  she comes, says hi to her friend and they head around to their court.

Well nothing unusual about all that, however over the next few weeks, playing a varying bunch of sexy 20 something guys, she does the same thing every time, not once paying for the court, her timing was blood perfect. The perfect crime; or so she thought.

This time when she came in, I thought right, screw you baby, I ran over and turned off the door bell.  This fucks her timing completely and she comes out just as the intended victim is approaching the counter. She makes a desperate bid to retreat to the safety of the toilets but she is caught, like a priest in a brothel.

The look of sheer terror on her face, combined with a good does of fuck you squashgodfather  was priceless.
 "Ah, oh, gee, shit, fuck, I think its my shout today." She said as she very reluctantly drags out her shiny, mint condition credit card...Tap, tap baby. 

good squashing

squashgodfather

riff raff

confessions of a squash court manager

episode 5

riff raff

The Corleone  Squash Centre CSC is a very high brow venue not catering to the usual squash fraternity riff raff. Accordingly I charge a considerable membership fee to join my very exclusive club.
This is opposite to most other squash clubs, who actually offer discounts, incentives and bribes in a desperate bid to attract the riff raff to join their clubs...how bloody vulgar!!

It was this, that lead to this episode. When a visiting riff raff player, came to play against my club in the local day league....those two words again; day and league!

Despite being in place for several years and an exhaustive notification campaign, many of the riff raff still failed to comprehend that my members receive a discounted rate when they play here..How fucking complicated is that? 

"What do you mean  I have to pay twenty dollars, she only paid ten? Said the red faced riff raff player who had just had her large arse kicked by the shapely CSC member. She was so red in the face that I thought she was about to have a heart attack, but turns out she was only getting started.

"Thats bloody robbery, how do you explain why she is charged ten dollars less than me?" She said in an increasingly loud and aggressive tone, whilst getting redder..
"I have sent out numerous messages explaining the situation. If you are to fucking stupid to comprehend this I am sorry, but I cannot help you, just give me the bloody twenty dollars."
That did it, her head actually exploded..... she threw the money across the counter directly at my face, luckily my razor sharp reflexes allowed me to catch the twenty dollar note. Now that really pissed her off.
.
Another happy customer!!



Good squashing

squashgodfather

happy days

confessions of a squash court manager

episode 4

happy days

Ah, Saturday, despite rolling up with a sore head, compliments of a nice bottle of red Friday night, Saturday  juniors morning at the Corleone Squash Centre CSC is a welcome relief from the midweek day to day grind.

It is also the day that one of my regular bookings, a group of 3 robust young thirty something guys come to play.
The good thing about these guys, or should I say one guy inparticular, the largest by some considerable margin of the 3,  is his short fuse and fat wallet. A fuse that is easily and often lit by his so called mates.....who needs enemies, as they say??
They get him so wound up that the only outlet for his anger is via racquet transferring energy to wall,
result = broken racquet = $$ to me....happy days! 

good squashing
squashgodfather

big fuckn W

Confessions of a squash court manager

episode 3
big fuckn w

Well, today's been a bloody nice day, no arseholes have felt it their duty in life to enter the Corleone Squash Centre and abuse the lovely person sweating his arse off in 41 degrees behind the desk. I gave my old buddy a flogging on the court, and it is approaching 4pm, which means home time....yippee!!

"Hi guys welcome to my humble squash centre, what can I do for you?" I said in my most pleasant tone.

"Give us a court for an hour will ya." thats what I love about the youth of today...no fucking manners!

"Sure guys, thats twenty five dollars please." The sharper of the two, not by much though, throws the cash onto the counter, what a wanker. "Go onto court 3 guys" The sharper one heads around to the nominated court while blunty has a browse at my little pro shop. Suddenly he looks over at me with a very agitated look on his very dopey face and says;

"How can you justify charging ten dollars for your sweat bands? See these?" he says pointing to his rather limp looking wrist. "These only cost me four bucks, from big W" 
It was all I could do to not really unload on this idiot..he's ruined my perfect day, 2 minutes from knock off time.

"Listen mate I'm not big fucking W. Go and have a game of squash in big fucking W and see what they say!" What a drop kick, where are my keys.

another satisfied customer

good squashing

squashgodfather

Taking a dump

Confessions of a squash court manager

episode 2

taking a dump

 Arriving at the Corleone Squash Center today, I was full of enthusiasm and evil thoughts about the torture I would inflict on my old squash mate on the court later today.
However my enthusiastic feeling was about to be shattered....pardon the pun, it will become obvious later.

I notice a car pull into the carpark and two new faces get out and head towards the door. "Hi guys what can I do for you?" I asked them in my most professional voice, must impress the newbies.

"Just a court for half an hour thanks Gov." Said a rather fat pasty faced English man in a very broad Geordie accent.

"No worries guy's, Fourteen dollars and she's all yours," I said, adding, "Please be aware that the lights will go off automatically when your time is up." Acknowledging this they hand over the fourteen dollars and I send them around to court 4 and turn the lights on.

Five minutes into their game the fat Englishman walks past me and goes into the toilet. It was a full fifteen minutes later when he floats past heading back to the court to finish his game, looking much lighter after what must have been a massive dump.Ten minutes later their time was up so I turned their lights off.
Both of them came racing around to the counter, "What the fucks going on," They both yelled in unison at me." Why have the lights have gone off ?" 

"Sorry guy's, times up," I said. "Thanks to my generous nature I even game you an extra five minutes." I said, trying to sound relaxed.

"We only played for ten minutes" said the non shitter, glaring across at his playing partner.

"Listen mate don't blame me if your buddy uses half your playing time up having a shit. I'm just like a lawyer, time is money as I explained when you paid for your half hour, and unfortunately your time is up." I said, bracing myself for the expected outburst.
However non was forthcoming, they obviously realized  the situation was hopeless and instead headed for the door, the non shitter looking extremely annoyed.

As they came in the same car it could make for an interesting drive home.

Two more happy customers
Good squashing
Squash godfather

mondays

 Confessions of a Squash Court Manager

episode 1
Mondays

welcome to confessions of a squash court manager. Each episode is an actual event that has happened to me whilst working at my squash center, which to protect peoples identities I will be calling the Corleone Squash Center. This is in reference to my nick name around squash circles; the Squash godfather.

Monday's, don't we all hate Monday's? the shitiest of all days starting with M, the perfect way to ruin a great weekend. 
I was hoping today would be different and I would  be energized and glad to be alive by some of the lovely Corleone Squash Center's happy and jovial customers... fat chance!

Pulling into the carpark of my squash center the usual suspects are waiting for me, two old cronies named Gary and Jack, along with their usual smart arsed comments.The perfect way to start a Monday...NOT! 
"late again Squashgodfather, how do I get a job like yours?" Jack asked, obviously his turn to be the comedian of the duo today. How fucking original, I have been hearing this same line every Monday for the past 7 years. Try working a lot fucking harder for a lot fucking longer and you might have half a chance moron.

"Nice one Jack. My alarm didn't go off, traffic was hell, dog ate me homework; but I suppose you don't give a shit about about my excuses do you ?" I answered, slowly trudging towards the squash center door..
"Not really" he said, "Just hurry up open the bloody door will ya, I ain't gettin any fuckin younger." He grizzled.
The day was not starting the way I hoped it would, meaning it was looking like a typical Monday.
I got the two old pricks onto a court and away they went, happy as a couple of very old pigs in mud.

10AM saw the arrival of a couple of fresh new faces to the Corleone Squash Center
"Hi guys, welcome to the Corleone Squash Center. How may I help you? A game of squash I hope, because if it's golf your after your in the wrong fucking place." I said, keen to make a good impression on some fresh meat.
"Can we grab a court for an hour please?" One of the newbies asked.
"Certainly guys, twenty five dollars and your off and running." I said." Just go down to court 9, I'll turn the lights on for you." What a host!

Everything was rolling along peacefully until about fifteen minutes into their session, one of the fresh new faces came around to the counter with a startling revelation.
"Do you know there are several dead spots on some of the floor boards on court 9"He asked, with a genuine look of distress on his face.
"WOW, holy shit, no kidding. Just hang on a second while I shoot down to the hardware store and grab a sledgehammer to rip em up with and then I will re-lay some new ones." I said, in a tone dripping with sarcasm.
He walked away back to the court, now with a stunned look on his dopey face.

 What a dick head. What did he possibly think I would do?...... even if I did give a shit.

another happy customer

Good squashing
Squash godfather