Thursday, August 20, 2015

I don't want bloody water

Confessions of a squash court manager
episode 19
I don't want bloody water

Day League. Two dreaded words that send a shiver down my spine, had come around to Corleone Squash Center again. I arrived at work prepared for battle, my tongue  was razor sharp!
I should say at the outset that most players are great, but the ones who aren't are fucking miserable.

Two women had finished their match and were at the drink fridge choosing their desired beverage.
As is the protocol in squash, the winner has the honour of buying the loser a drink.
"This place is a disgrace, where's the bloody diet Gatorade?" I could hear one of the women (I use that term very loosely) saying at the top of her whiney voice. "Every time I play here there's a problem."
"Whats the problem Connie, why don't you just grab a bottle of water." Asked the victor, trying to calm her now very angry opponent down, who's obviously a bad loser.
"I don't want bloody water, I want a diet Gatorade," said the loser, now turning her anger onto the squash godfather...silly woman.
 "Where's the diet Gatorade?" she yelled at me at the top of her voice.
"We don't carry diet Gatorade, but we do have diet Pepsi, Solo light and water," I said, in my most charming voice.
"I don't want any of those." she spat, "I want diet Gatorade!"
"Well then, you're out of luck," I said, desperately trying to maintain the charm.
"That's not bloody good enough, I want a diet Gatorade," she spat again, this time with real venom.

That was it, I had had enough of this crazy bitch, it was time to unleash the tongue, "Look, I've  told you what drinks I have, if none of them are good enough, bad luck. Please, piss off." I said, this time without the charm.
"You can't speak to me like that," she said. "That's the worst customer service I've ever experienced.You should  listen to your customers without saying anything." she said...obviously delusional.
"You must be mistaken me for someone who cares? I don't. So like I said before PISS OFF."

She turns around, grabs her squash bag and walks out of Corleone Squash Center, without saying another word.......Fucking miracles do happen.
Her opponent, who was still standing in front of the fridge, turns to me and says, "what a crazy bitch"  Great, I thought it was just me...phew.

Another satisfied customer

Good squashing
squash godfather.