one minute

confessions of a squash court manager

episode 13

one minute

I know this may sound very strange, but sometimes things happen to the squashgodfather outside the confines of the Corleone squash center which make me go; what th?

One such, what th, moment happened  when I phoned the local golf course ( I wont mention any names, to protect the stupid) to make a booking.
My old, very old, bloody ancient in fact, golfing mate and I thought it would be a nice gesture to give the folks at our local golf course the opportunity to see our silky golfing skills for a change. We have been spoiling the hackers at  a neighboring course for far too long.
Bye the way, when I say our silky skills, I actually mean mine!

"Good morning, Local golf course, how may I help you?' answered  the young woman when I called to make a booking.

"G'day love, I'm looking to book a round of nine  holes in next Wednesday morning at 8.45 for 2 of golfs finest."

"I'm sorry sir I can't get you in at 8.45.' She said with a tone of complete sincerity.

"Oh, that's no bloody good," I said, "whats the next opening time you have for nine holes,? I asked, hoping to get in some time before lunch.

"Well I can get you in at 8.46,"  she said, without the slightest hint of humour.
I paused as I eagerly awaited the punch line, but one was not was forthcoming, this doping bird was serious.

Holy quacamole what was she thinking....one whole minute, shit forget that, that's way too long to wait! "Great love, I'll take it,book us in" 

good squashing

squashgodfather

mates

confessions of a squash court manager

episode 12

mates

This particular episode was funny to me, probably due to my warped sense of humour!

A car pulls into the carpark of the Corleone Squash Center CSC, and 2 guys get out and start walking toward the entrance. They are obviously mates, both about 35ish and are talking and laughing with each other as old mates do, and they came in the same car!

"Hi Luka, how are you going?" 

One of the guys happens to be one of my members, a bit of an arsehole if truth be told.

"Hi squashgodfather, I've bought my mate Sonny in to give him a whooping." 

He said looking cockily at a not so impressed Sonny. 

"What court can we go on squashgodfather, hows about the show court?" 

Fuck no, I don't know about his mate, but Luka is a total hacker, certainly not the type of player I want to use to promote the game of squash.

"You've got to be kidding, surely? I will hide you guys as far away from the viewing public as possible, go down to court 6."

"Have you been told today that you are a real areshole, squashgodfather.?" 

He said with a tinge of venom in his voice.

"Let me see, whats the time, 11am. Yeah 3 times today already, your the 4th. Court 6, fuck off."

Away they went, down to the dungeon that is court 6, safely tucked away from public view. All seemed to go pretty well, I could hear a few yells and a bit of arguing, which is totally normal for a game of squash, you should hear the whinging that comes from my opponents.

"Give me 2 Gatorades will ya squashgodfather." 

Asked Luka, who by the look of anger on his face had  been beaten by Sonny and was subsequently buying  the drinks.An awful feeling I hear, hasn't happened to me in 40 years of playing squash!

"How was the game Luka?" 

I asked,  knowing not very good since he was buying the drinks.

" Shit house, I played like total crap, his best shots were my errors!"
Sonny chimes in, with a big toothy grin on his face. 

"I think it is a true reflection of our various abilities, I'm good and your fucking useless." 

Touche Sonny I thought.

Whack, Luka had suddenly and unexpectedly punched his mate! with a lovely crisp right cross, landing flush on Sonnys cheek. Instantly Sonny reacts and grabs Luka in a head lock and they were in to it.
I raced around the counter and pushed them towards the door, trying to avoid any stray fists. I managed to get them outside then left them to it. They stopped fighting pretty quickly once outside on the driveway, mores the pity, as I had my chair and popcorn ready to watch  Thats my warped sense of humour coming through. They dusted themselves off and headed to Lukas car, for what I am sure would be an interesting trip home.

Luka has never bought Sonny in for another game of squash....funny that!

2 more happy customers

good squashing

squashgodfather

16 beers

confessions of a squash court manager

episode 11

16 Beers 

"Hey squashgodfather you've got a pretty fit and athletic figure?"
nice bloke, I always thought  Vito was a top fella.
"for a guy your age."
arsehole!  
"How do you do it?"

This was an interesting question coming from Vito, who has been a regular once a week squash player for many years. However over the last couple of years I have noticed his guts appears to be getting bigger each week. Not a very good advertisement for the corleone squash center CSC!
 "Its not easy Vito, I maintain a very vigorous exercise regime, one which a normal human would find hard to even attempt."

"What about your diet" He asked desperately looking for an option rather than doing any extra exercise.

"Well I have a pretty normal diet, but I do enjoy a couple of beers mid week with my nightly dinner, and on the weekend I cut loose and have 3 or 4 and some wine." I could see his jaw drop, obviously hoping that I maintained this Adonis like physique on a strict diet of lettuce leaves and water.

"You call that cutting loose?" He said with a look of sheer amusement. 

"Why,  how much do you drink?" I asked him.

"During the week Monday through Thursday I have at least 16 stubbies, and more on the weekends."
Holy shit !  I am amazed he even has a  pulse, and I bet that's not sweat on his forehead but pure fucking beer.

"You must be bloody joking? 16 stubbies at least every night, that's your problem Vito"
I now realize its probably not his stomach that has grown, but his fucking bladder.
"Try cutting back to an even dozen a night, the weight will fall off you." NOT

Pearls of wisdom!

good squashing

squashgodfather

the glass

confessions of a squash court manager

episode 10

the glass

If you are unfamiliar with the Corleone Squash Centre CSC, it has 7 state of the art glass backed courts and 2 concrete backed ones, quite ahead of other centers in quality squash facilities I must say!

Anyway, this particular episode happened on a very busy Thursday afternoon, I had had another victory over my old squash partner, lets call him Davo. I use the term squash partner very loosely, as I have to give him 2 bounces, play only length and use my left hand...just to get a sweat up.

So I was basking in my winning after glow when suddenly, BANG, "What the fuck is that?" I said, although stunned by the noise I new exactly what it was. I raced around to the courts where my worst fears were realized.

Two fat guys were standing on the court with stunned  looks on their dopey faces, staring at the shattered remnants of the toughened glass panel.  I had a feeling these two fucking elephants were trouble when they waddled in. If you are unfamiliar with toughened glass, when it breaks it sounds like an explosion.

"What happened you guys?' I asked.

"I lost my balance and ran flat out into the back wall." With that fat guts I'm surprised he didn't go through the opposite courts glass as well. "Which court can we go on to finish our match?" Fat guts asked, surrounded by chunks of glass scattered all over the passage. 

"Sorry guys as you can see we are fully booked and now that you have trashed this court we will be juggling courts all night."

"Thats bullshit."  the fatter of the two dopes spat at me."We have 15 minutes left to run on our time, either give us another court or give us a refund." 

Normally in this situation I might have offered a refund of the remaining time or a free beer, the squashgodfather is known for his generosity! but as it was only 15 minutes and I couldn't believe their attitude, they were getting fuck all. 

"As I have already told you I cant help, as you can see we are flat out, what I can do though is get your details so I can send you the $1000 bill to replace the glass" They couldn't waddle out of the place fast enough......

Arseholes!

good squashing

squashgodfather

the beast

Squash Godfathers

Confessions of a squash court operator

Episode 9

THE BEAST

Thursday 10AM, a time that for a six week period sent a shiver down my spine.

A school had booked the courts at this time to give their little darlings a taste of the fantastic sport of squash. The shiver came from visions of past groups of lovely year tens who had been to the Corleone Squash Centre and tried their very best to trash the place.

Thirteen what a shitty age, they are too old to be cute but too young to be fucking sensible. So I watch the little pricks like a hawk.

I do a thorough inspection of the Centre before the darlings arrive, then once they go I do a quick run around to see what they have managed to trash.

This group thankfully turned out to be a well behaved bunch, nothing broken, stolen or tagged, miracles do happen.

However, upon entering the male toilets what I saw in one of the bowls has mentally scarred me for life. I thought a massive fucking python was sliding out of the toilet bowl.

I turned to run for the door, but stopped and took a quick look back at the beast.

Closer inspection revealed that it wasn’t a python, but the biggest fucking turd I had ever seen. No joking, it was as thick as my leg!

 I couldn't believe it, it seemed impossible that a fucking horse could sneak in, take a shit in my toilet  then leave without me noticing...bloody miracle .

I did a quick dash around the centre to see if the horse was still there... no horse!

Oh no! I suddenly realized it was up to me to deal with the beast.

Don't get me wrong, I’ve dealt with my fair share of shit disasters left behind by well meaning arseholes at the Corleone Squash Centre, but this fucker was on a whole other level.

My first thought was to leave it for the staff to deal with..Yes I am a cruel bastard. However they may think it was me who gave birth to the massive turd.

No choice, I had to man up and deal with it!

After five flushes it was still there, the fucking thing would not sink.

The amazing thing, apart from its sheer size, was the fact that there was no toilet paper in the bowl...interesting. I hope the little prick bites his nails!

The poor old toilet brush was totally out muscled, it was like taking a pocket knife to a gun fight, it just wasn't up to the job (pardon the pun).

This turd required some heavy duty machinery, possibly a back hoe or jack hammer, maybe both. After considerable chopping, hacking and dry reaching, it finally went down. Thank fuck! The beast was gone.

Once I had showered and sterilized myself, it dawned on me that only one kid had asked permission to use the bathroom. He was a skinny streak of misery, no fucking wonder; he had just shat out his whole fucking insides, possibly including his bones. It was amazing that he was still able to stand let alone walk! Surely whoever did that inhuman thing would at the very least have split their arsehole. He looked fine, if not a little proud of himself.

A week went by, I had forgotten about last week’s python episode. 10AM, the school came and went same drill as last week.

 Oh my god there it was, another giant python was sticking out of the toilet bowl a fucking carbon copy of last week. Again no paper! Interesting...I couldn’t bloody well believe it.

 My mind started racing, hold the phone, it was that same skinny streak of misery who asked to use the toilet AGAIN!  The skinny fuckers not human, he’s either the anti Christ or his old man is part python.

The last four weeks of their booking the toilets were strangely out of order.

The little loose arsed prick can die in someone else’s toilets, I don't need the paper work.

good squashing

squashgodfather