Thursday, February 26, 2015


confessions of a squash court manager
episode 6

Well this is a nice surprize, the door chimes and  in walks a sexy looking 20 something gir.
She sidles up to the counter at Corleone Squash Centre CSC and says.
 "Hi, I am hoping there's a free court? my friend should be here shortly. Where are the toilets ?"

"Yeah, there's plenty of courts, the ladies is second on the left down the passage. She heads off to the toilets. Five minutes later a sexy 20 something  guy comes in. 
"Hi, can I  hire a court and I will buy a ball?" he asks.
"Sure that will be Thirty two dollars please" He pulls out a card and taps his money away....to the welcome arms of the squashgodfathers bank account. Barely had the till closed when out from the toilets  she comes, says hi to her friend and they head around to their court.

Well nothing unusual about all that, however over the next few weeks, playing a varying bunch of sexy 20 something guys, she does the same thing every time, not once paying for the court, her timing was blood perfect. The perfect crime; or so she thought.

This time when she came in, I thought right, screw you baby, I ran over and turned off the door bell.  This fucks her timing completely and she comes out just as the intended victim is approaching the counter. She makes a desperate bid to retreat to the safety of the toilets but she is caught, like a priest in a brothel.

The look of sheer terror on her face, combined with a good does of fuck you squashgodfather  was priceless.
 "Ah, oh, gee, shit, fuck, I think its my shout today." She said as she very reluctantly drags out her shiny, mint condition credit card...Tap, tap baby. 

good squashing


Wednesday, February 25, 2015

riff raff

confessions of a squash court manager
episode 5
riff raff

The Corleone  Squash Centre CSC is a very high brow venue not catering to the usual squash fraternity riff raff. Accordingly I charge a considerable membership fee to join my very exclusive club.
This is opposite to most other squash clubs, who actually offer discounts, incentives and bribes in a desperate bid to attract the riff raff to join their clubs...how bloody vulgar!!

It was this, that lead to this episode. When a visiting riff raff player, came to play against my club in the local day league....those two words again; day and league!

Despite being in place for several years and an exhaustive notification campaign, many of the riff raff still failed to comprehend that my members receive a discounted rate when they play here..How fucking complicated is that? 

"What do you mean  I have to pay twenty dollars, she only paid ten? Said the red faced riff raff player who had just had her large arse kicked by the shapely CSC member. She was so red in the face that I thought she was about to have a heart attack, but turns out she was only getting started.

"Thats bloody robbery, how do you explain why she is charged ten dollars less than me?" She said in an increasingly loud and aggressive tone, whilst getting redder..
"I have sent out numerous messages explaining the situation. If you are to fucking stupid to comprehend this I am sorry, but I cannot help you, just give me the bloody twenty dollars."
That did it, her head actually exploded..... she threw the money across the counter directly at my face, luckily my razor sharp reflexes allowed me to catch the twenty dollar note. Now that really pissed her off.
Another happy customer!!

Good squashing


Tuesday, February 24, 2015

happy days

confessions of a squash court manager
episode 4
happy days

Ah, Saturday, despite rolling up with a sore head, compliments of a nice bottle of red Friday night, Saturday  juniors morning at the Corleone Squash Centre CSC is a welcome relief from the midweek day to day grind.
It is also the day that one of my regular bookings, a group of 3 robust young thirty something guys come to play.
The good thing about these guys, or should I say one guy inparticular, the largest by some considerable margin of the 3,  is his short fuse and fat wallet. A fuse that is easily and often lit by his so called mates.....who needs enemies, as they say??
They get him so wound up that the only outlet for his anger is via racquet transferring energy to wall,
result = broken racquet = $$ to me....happy days! 

good squashing

Monday, February 23, 2015

big fuckn W

Confessions of a squash court manager
episode 3
big fuckn w

Well, today's been a bloody nice day, no arseholes have felt it their duty in life to enter the Corleone Squash Centre and abuse the lovely person sweating his arse off in 41 degrees behind the desk. I gave my old buddy a flogging on the court, and it is approaching 4pm, which means home time....yippee!!

"Hi guys welcome to my humble squash centre, what can I do for you?" I said in my most pleasant tone.
"Give us a court for an hour will ya." thats what I love about the youth of today...no fucking manners!
"Sure guys, thats twenty five dollars please." The sharper of the two, not by much though, throws the cash onto the counter, what a wanker. "Go onto court 3 guys" The sharper one heads around to the nominated court while blunty has a browse at my little pro shop. Suddenly he looks over at me with a very agitated look on his very dopey face and says;
"How can you justify charging ten dollars for your sweat bands? See these?" he says pointing to his rather limp looking wrist. "These only cost me four bucks, from big W" 
It was all I could do to not really unload on this idiot..he's ruined my perfect day, 2 minutes from knock off time.
"Listen mate I'm not big fucking W. Go and have a game of squash in big fucking W and see what they say!" What a drop kick, where are my keys.

another satisfied customer

good squashing


Taking a dump

Confessions of a squash court manager
episode 2
taking a dump

 Arriving at the Corleone Squash Center today, I was full of enthusiasm and evil thoughts about the torture I would inflict on my old squash mate on the court later today.
However my enthusiastic feeling was about to be shattered....pardon the pun, it will become obvious later.

I notice a car pull into the carpark and two new faces get out and head towards the door. "Hi guys what can I do for you?" I asked them in my most professional voice, must impress the newbies.
"Just a court for half an hour thanks Gov." Said a rather fat pasty faced English man in a very broad Geordie accent.
"No worries guy's, Fourteen dollars and she's all yours," I said, adding, "Please be aware that the lights will go off automatically when your time is up." Acknowledging this they hand over the fourteen dollars and I send them around to court 4 and turn the lights on.

Five minutes into their game the fat Englishman walks past me and goes into the toilet. It was a full fifteen minutes later when he floats past heading back to the court to finish his game, looking much lighter after what must have been a massive dump.Ten minutes later their time was up so I turned their lights off.
Both of them came racing around to the counter, "What the fucks going on," They both yelled in unison at me." Why have the lights have gone off ?" 
"Sorry guy's, times up," I said. "Thanks to my generous nature I even game you an extra five minutes." I said, trying to sound relaxed.
"We only played for ten minutes" said the non shitter, glaring across at his playing partner.
"Listen mate don't blame me if your buddy uses half your playing time up having a shit. I'm just like a lawyer, time is money as I explained when you paid for your half hour, and unfortunately your time is up." I said, bracing myself for the expected outburst.
However non was forthcoming, they obviously realized  the situation was hopeless and instead headed for the door, the non shitter looking extremely annoyed.
As they came in the same car it could make for an interesting drive home.

Two more happy customers
Good squashing
Squash godfather


 Confessions of a Squash Court Manager
episode 1

welcome to confessions of a squash court manager. Each episode is an actual event that has happened to me whilst working at my squash center, which to protect peoples identities I will be calling the Corleone Squash Center. This is in reference to my nick name around squash circles; the Squash godfather.

Monday's, don't we all hate Monday's? the shitiest of all days starting with M, the perfect way to ruin a great weekend. 
I was hoping today would be different and I would  be energized and glad to be alive by some of the lovely Corleone Squash Center's happy and jovial customers... fat chance!

Pulling into the carpark of my squash center the usual suspects are waiting for me, two old cronies named Gary and Jack, along with their usual smart arsed comments.The perfect way to start a Monday...NOT! 

"late again Squashgodfather, how do I get a job like yours?" Jack asked, obviously his turn to be the comedian of the duo today. How fucking original, I have been hearing this same line every Monday for the past 7 years. Try working a lot fucking harder for a lot fucking longer and you might have half a chance moron.

"Nice one Jack. My alarm didn't go off, traffic was hell, dog ate me homework; but I suppose you don't give a shit about about my excuses do you ?" 
I answered, slowly trudging towards the squash center door..

"Not really" he said, "Just hurry up open the bloody door will ya, I ain't gettin any fuckin younger." He grizzled.
The day was not starting the way I hoped it would, meaning it was looking like a typical Monday.
I got the two old pricks onto a court and away they went, happy as a couple of very old pigs in mud.

10AM saw the arrival of a couple of fresh new faces to the Corleone Squash Center

"Hi guys, welcome to the Corleone Squash Center. How may I help you? A game of squash I hope, because if it's golf your after your in the wrong fucking place." I said, keen to make a good impression on some fresh meat.
"Can we grab a court for an hour please?" One of the newbies asked.
"Certainly guys, twenty five dollars and your off and running." I said." Just go down to court 9, I'll turn the lights on for you." What a host!

Everything was rolling along peacefully until about fifteen minutes into their session, one of the fresh new faces came around to the counter with a startling revelation.

"Do you know there are several dead spots on some of the floor boards on court 9"He asked, with a genuine look of distress on his face.
"WOW, holy shit, no kidding. Just hang on a second while I shoot down to the hardware store and grab a sledgehammer to rip em up with and then I will re-lay some new ones." I said, in a tone dripping with sarcasm.
He walked away back to the court, now with a stunned look on his dopey face.

 What a dick head. What did he possibly think I would do?...... even if I did give a shit.

another happy customer

Good squashing

Squash godfather