Tuesday, June 16, 2015

it's not me it's you

confessions of a squash court manager
episode 17
it's not me it's you

SGF: Hey squash racquet you haven't been hitting very good shots lately, whats up?

Squash Racquet: The problems not me, it's you, your useless!

SGF: What do you mean it's not you, it's me? It has to be you, I'm good!

Squash Racquet: Well, I am just graphite and string, pretty bloody simple. The problem is  a no brainer, you have no skill, you hit the frame more than the strings. So like I said, it's not me, it's definitely you.

SGF: That,s crazy, I have been playing brilliantly, it's the fact that my opponents have well behaved racquets, racquets who know their place in the world. Not like you!

Squash Racquet: I wont be held responsible for your lack of talent on a squash court. My twin brother, who came from the same factory I did, two minutes after me in fact, has not lost a match, because his you has talent.

SGF: I dont believe it, you were probably the runt of the batch, and I was unfortunate enough to pick you from the shelf. If I had picked one of the others I too would be a winner. But oh no dopey me, I chose the runt, the sales person really did a con job on me, when she said "No they are all the same" and I believed her.What an idiot.

Squash Racquet: That's it, we should have a break from each other. I want to be in the hand of someone who knows how to use a racquet, not some bozo who thinks he does but really doesn't. 
Your main problem is  you keep me in the closet too long, you don't take me out enough.

SGF: Fine, let's split. I will use other racquets, I'll show you. I will probably win the up coming club championships, with a younger, newer, sleeker model in my hand. You have been holding me back for years.

Squash Racquet: Good luck with your new racquet, I hope you will both be happy. I am a firm believer that a good tradesman doesn't blame his tool. 
Unfortunately you chose me, I didn't chose you, I had no say in it .So through no fault of mine, I got lumbered with a loser.

SGF: Loser! Who are you calling a loser? Before you came into my life I was a winner baby, slotting knicks you can only dream about. Life was amazing, I didn't have a care in the world. Then one day tragedy struck. I hit her too hard on the wall and she snapped, it was over, I had no choice but to throw her in the bin. 
That was a sad day, that's when you entered my life, I haven't been the same since. 
That fateful day at Jim Kidds when I met the runt.

Squash Racquet: You just summed it up, you hit the wall with her, another classic miss hit. As I said, it's not me it's you! Put me back in the closet.

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

nice try

Confessions of a squash court manager
episode 16
nice try

I cant blame anyone for trying to get something for nothing, hell, I try every trick in the book to scam a bargain. However this dickhead tried to scam me! the bloody squashgodfather, how fucking stupid can a person be?
Lets call this dickhead Vito. Vito brings his racquet in to the Corleone Squash Centre for a restring.
"Hi squashgodfather can you restring this in Technifibre for me?" he asked, handing the racquet over to me.
"No problem Vito, the question is are you good enough to need such top quality string? you could probably get away with some cheap old fishing line" I said with a smirk on my handsome face.
"You really are an arsehole? Just do it ASAP... Please." He said.  
"Will do, it will be ready tomorrow. You don't get awesome service like that anywhere else do ya?
"Yeah with a mouthful of  abuse thrown in, that's great customer service." he said heading out the door.
"Fuck off." I yelled at his back as he crossed the carpark.

I cut the old strings out of Vito's racquet and as requested restrung it in Technifibre, the king of squash string. Waste of good fucking string on Vito,if you ask me, but the customer is always right...Oh yeah!
Once finished, as always, I did a thorough inspection of the racquet and made a note of any chips, scratches or other defects. Just in case of trouble later. 
Vito's racquet had a couple of small but distinguishable chips at about the 2 o'clock position on the head. I noted these in my file, and my mind!

2 weeks later Vito comes off court and shows me his racquet, the strings were broken."whats going squashgodfather, strings break after 2 weeks. That's not good enough." he says slamming it down onto the counter.
"Calm down," I said, grabbing the racquet off the counter and having a quick look over it. There was something not quite right with  it even though it looked the same. I reached down and took out my notes and flicked through to Vito's job. Sure enough the 2 chips at 2 o'clock had disappeared. Hallelujah its a miracle! Turns out shifty Vito had 2 of the same racquets, and this was the other one.
 "Nice try Vito, get your wallet out"

another happy customer
good squashing