the beast

Squash Godfathers

Confessions of a squash court operator

Episode 9

THE BEAST

Thursday 10AM, a time that for a six week period sent a shiver down my spine.

A school had booked the courts at this time to give their little darlings a taste of the fantastic sport of squash. The shiver came from visions of past groups of lovely year tens who had been to the Corleone Squash Centre and tried their very best to trash the place.

Thirteen what a shitty age, they are too old to be cute but too young to be fucking sensible. So I watch the little pricks like a hawk.

I do a thorough inspection of the Centre before the darlings arrive, then once they go I do a quick run around to see what they have managed to trash.

This group thankfully turned out to be a well behaved bunch, nothing broken, stolen or tagged, miracles do happen.

However, upon entering the male toilets what I saw in one of the bowls has mentally scarred me for life. I thought a massive fucking python was sliding out of the toilet bowl.

I turned to run for the door, but stopped and took a quick look back at the beast.

Closer inspection revealed that it wasn’t a python, but the biggest fucking turd I had ever seen. No joking, it was as thick as my leg!

 I couldn't believe it, it seemed impossible that a fucking horse could sneak in, take a shit in my toilet  then leave without me noticing...bloody miracle .

I did a quick dash around the centre to see if the horse was still there... no horse!

Oh no! I suddenly realized it was up to me to deal with the beast.

Don't get me wrong, I’ve dealt with my fair share of shit disasters left behind by well meaning arseholes at the Corleone Squash Centre, but this fucker was on a whole other level.

My first thought was to leave it for the staff to deal with..Yes I am a cruel bastard. However they may think it was me who gave birth to the massive turd.

No choice, I had to man up and deal with it!

After five flushes it was still there, the fucking thing would not sink.

The amazing thing, apart from its sheer size, was the fact that there was no toilet paper in the bowl...interesting. I hope the little prick bites his nails!

The poor old toilet brush was totally out muscled, it was like taking a pocket knife to a gun fight, it just wasn't up to the job (pardon the pun).

This turd required some heavy duty machinery, possibly a back hoe or jack hammer, maybe both. After considerable chopping, hacking and dry reaching, it finally went down. Thank fuck! The beast was gone.

Once I had showered and sterilized myself, it dawned on me that only one kid had asked permission to use the bathroom. He was a skinny streak of misery, no fucking wonder; he had just shat out his whole fucking insides, possibly including his bones. It was amazing that he was still able to stand let alone walk! Surely whoever did that inhuman thing would at the very least have split their arsehole. He looked fine, if not a little proud of himself.

A week went by, I had forgotten about last week’s python episode. 10AM, the school came and went same drill as last week.

 Oh my god there it was, another giant python was sticking out of the toilet bowl a fucking carbon copy of last week. Again no paper! Interesting...I couldn’t bloody well believe it.

 My mind started racing, hold the phone, it was that same skinny streak of misery who asked to use the toilet AGAIN!  The skinny fuckers not human, he’s either the anti Christ or his old man is part python.

The last four weeks of their booking the toilets were strangely out of order.

The little loose arsed prick can die in someone else’s toilets, I don't need the paper work.

good squashing

squashgodfather