Just pick a time

confessions of a squash court manager

episode 20

Just pick a time

This happens to the squash godfather quite often and it really pisses me off.

Yesterday I got a phone call from some bozo wanting to book a court at the Corleone Squash Center.

"Good morning, Corleone Squash Center, squash godfather speaking, how may I help you?" I said, trying my best to sound enthusiastic on a Monday morning..

"Yeah g'day mate, I am looking to book a court today, what times do you have available?" the bozo asked.

"What time are you looking for?" I asked, thinking to myself, oh no not one of these fuck wits again.

"What times do you have available?" Bozo asked again.

Trying to remain calm I replied, "look, its much simpler if you tell me what time you want to play and I will see if there are any spots free at that time." ...pretty fucking simple!!

"We're not sure what time we want to play, just give us some options."  

Holy shit, how hard is it to pick a time, does he think I'm a fucking mind reader.

"Well its pretty quiet most of the day until 4," I said.

"Nah that's too early, I was thinking later."

That's it, he had worn me down. I had been to nice for too long. "Look mate you're sapping my strength, either give me an exact time or I'm hanging up."

"Well I'm not sure...."   

Clang, I hung up the phone. Lifes to bloody short.

Another satisfied customer

good squashing

squash godfather

I don't want bloody water

Confessions of a squash court manager

episode 19

I don't want bloody water

Day League. Two dreaded words that send a shiver down my spine, had come around to Corleone Squash Center again. I arrived at work prepared for battle, my tongue  was razor sharp!

I should say at the outset that most players are great, but the ones who aren't are fucking miserable.

Two women had finished their match and were at the drink fridge choosing their desired beverage.
As is the protocol in squash, the winner has the honour of buying the loser a drink.
"This place is a disgrace, where's the bloody diet Gatorade?" I could hear one of the women (I use that term very loosely) saying at the top of her whiney voice. "Every time I play here there's a problem."

"Whats the problem Connie, why don't you just grab a bottle of water." Asked the victor, trying to calm her now very angry opponent down, who's obviously a bad loser.

"I don't want bloody water, I want a diet Gatorade," said the loser, now turning her anger onto the squash godfather...silly woman.
 "Where's the diet Gatorade?" she yelled at me at the top of her voice.

"We don't carry diet Gatorade, but we do have diet Pepsi, Solo light and water," I said, in my most charming voice.

"I don't want any of those." she spat, "I want diet Gatorade!"

"Well then, you're out of luck," I said, desperately trying to maintain the charm.

"That's not bloody good enough, I want a diet Gatorade," she spat again, this time with real venom.

That was it, I had had enough of this crazy bitch, it was time to unleash the tongue, "Look, I've  told you what drinks I have, if none of them are good enough, bad luck. Please, piss off." I said, this time without the charm.

"You can't speak to me like that," she said. "That's the worst customer service I've ever experienced.You should  listen to your customers without saying anything." she said...obviously delusional.
"You must be mistaken me for someone who cares? I don't. So like I said before PISS OFF."

She turns around, grabs her squash bag and walks out of Corleone Squash Center, without saying another word.......Fucking miracles do happen.

Her opponent, who was still standing in front of the fridge, turns to me and says, "what a crazy bitch"  Great, I thought it was just me...phew.

Another satisfied customer

Good squashing

squash godfather.

but we're members

Confessions of a squash court manager

episode 18

"But we're members"

Two casual members walk into the Corleone Squash Center on a very chilly July Wednesday morning.

"Hi squash godfather, any chance of a court,? he asked, with a smirk on his dopey face.

"I can see that you are flat out, but I'm sure you can find a spare court for 2 of your finest members."

I think he was trying to be funny, it wasn't working, but as there was no one else in the place, it's pretty bloody obvious that there is a spare court.

"Wow Tom you are so fucking funny, that's the first time anyone has said that to me, how long have you been waiting to use that line?" I asked, trying to maintain my cool, calm demeanor. "$8 each please," I said, grabbing a tenner from both. "Here's your change, you 2 comedians go onto court 3."
They grabbed their change and headed around to their court, trying to think of a snappy come back, maybe in an hour they may have one, I doubt it.

I gave them an hour and a half, bloody good value for $8, then turned the lights on their court off.

"Hey what's going on, the lights have gone out," an irate Tom said dripping sweat on my beautiful clean counter.

"You've been on for an hour and a half, times up." I said.

"But we're both members," he said with a tone of defiance.

"That's why they didn't go off after an hour," I said, with a similar tone of defiance.

"We haven't finished our game yet."

"Well it's going to cost you another $8...each." I said, flopping down into my chair.

He turned and walked away without saying another word. A minute later he returned.

"Here's the money," he said, slapping $20 down on the counter."we're not happy squash godfather." he said as he stomped off back around to his court, which  miraculously had the lights back on.

Show me the money , I will show you the light.

2 more happy customers.

good squashing

squash godfather

it's not me it's you

confessions of a squash court manager

episode 17

it's not me it's you

SGF: Hey squash racquet you haven't been hitting very good shots lately, whats up?

Squash Racquet: The problems not me, it's you, your useless!

SGF: What do you mean it's not you, it's me? It has to be you, I'm good!

Squash Racquet: Well, I am just graphite and string, pretty bloody simple. The problem is  a no brainer, you have no skill, you hit the frame more than the strings. So like I said, it's not me, it's definitely you.

SGF: That,s crazy, I have been playing brilliantly, it's the fact that my opponents have well behaved racquets, racquets who know their place in the world. Not like you!

Squash Racquet: I wont be held responsible for your lack of talent on a squash court. My twin brother, who came from the same factory I did, two minutes after me in fact, has not lost a match, because his you has talent.

SGF: I dont believe it, you were probably the runt of the batch, and I was unfortunate enough to pick you from the shelf. If I had picked one of the others I too would be a winner. But oh no dopey me, I chose the runt, the sales person really did a con job on me, when she said "No they are all the same" and I believed her.What an idiot.

Squash Racquet: That's it, we should have a break from each other. I want to be in the hand of someone who knows how to use a racquet, not some bozo who thinks he does but really doesn't. 

Your main problem is  you keep me in the closet too long, you don't take me out enough.

SGF: Fine, let's split. I will use other racquets, I'll show you. I will probably win the up coming club championships, with a younger, newer, sleeker model in my hand. You have been holding me back for years.

Squash Racquet: Good luck with your new racquet, I hope you will both be happy. I am a firm believer that a good tradesman doesn't blame his tool. 

Unfortunately you chose me, I didn't chose you, I had no say in it .So through no fault of mine, I got lumbered with a loser.

SGF: Loser! Who are you calling a loser? Before you came into my life I was a winner baby, slotting knicks you can only dream about. Life was amazing, I didn't have a care in the world. Then one day tragedy struck. I hit her too hard on the wall and she snapped, it was over, I had no choice but to throw her in the bin. 

That was a sad day, that's when you entered my life, I haven't been the same since. 

That fateful day at Jim Kidds when I met the runt.

Squash Racquet: You just summed it up, you hit the wall with her, another classic miss hit. As I said, it's not me it's you! Put me back in the closet.

nice try

Confessions of a squash court manager

episode 16

nice try

I cant blame anyone for trying to get something for nothing, hell, I try every trick in the book to scam a bargain. However this dickhead tried to scam me! the bloody squashgodfather, how fucking stupid can a person be?

Lets call this dickhead Vito. Vito brings his racquet in to the Corleone Squash Centre for a restring.

"Hi squashgodfather can you restring this in Technifibre for me?" he asked, handing the racquet over to me.

"No problem Vito, the question is are you good enough to need such top quality string? you could probably get away with some cheap old fishing line" I said with a smirk on my handsome face.

"You really are an arsehole? Just do it ASAP... Please." He said.  

"Will do, it will be ready tomorrow. You don't get awesome service like that anywhere else do ya?

"Yeah with a mouthful of  abuse thrown in, that's great customer service." he said heading out the door.

"Fuck off." I yelled at his back as he crossed the carpark.

I cut the old strings out of Vito's racquet and as requested restrung it in Technifibre, the king of squash string. Waste of good fucking string on Vito,if you ask me, but the customer is always right...Oh yeah!

Once finished, as always, I did a thorough inspection of the racquet and made a note of any chips, scratches or other defects. Just in case of trouble later. 

Vito's racquet had a couple of small but distinguishable chips at about the 2 o'clock position on the head. I noted these in my file, and my mind!

2 weeks later Vito comes off court and shows me his racquet, the strings were broken."whats going squashgodfather, strings break after 2 weeks. That's not good enough." he says slamming it down onto the counter.

"Calm down," I said, grabbing the racquet off the counter and having a quick look over it. There was something not quite right with  it even though it looked the same. I reached down and took out my notes and flicked through to Vito's job. Sure enough the 2 chips at 2 o'clock had disappeared. Hallelujah its a miracle! Turns out shifty Vito had 2 of the same racquets, and this was the other one.

 "Nice try Vito, get your wallet out"

another happy customer

good squashing

squashgodfather

shut up

confessions of a squash court manager

episode 15

                                                                            shut up

 This little event happened to the squashgodfather during the twilight years of his illustrious playing career. I was playing in A reserve, one grade down from the big dicks in A grade.

After 30 odd years of playing and reffing I was pretty case hardened and not prepared to take any shit, on or off the court.

It was a typical cold winters night at the Kings Park squash club. I had played my match, thoroughly kicked my opponents arse in 3 and was now reffing the next match of the night. Things were trotting along quite peacefully until the Kings Park player asks for a let. "No let" I said. The player carried on, obviously in agreement with my decision, tough shit if he didn't..

Suddenly a muffled "that's shit" came  from the old joker standing to my right, who was obviously there to watch his Kings Park mates get their arses whipped by the Corleone boys. I let it slide....but it was mentally noted.

"Let please" came another plea from the Kings Park guy.

"Yes let" I said. Once again comes a muffled "bloody hell" from the same old prick.

This went on for some time, him bitching under his breath about every one of my decisions.

"Let please" the kings Park player asks...again.

"No Let, I don't believe you would have got it." I said with an air of importance.

"Shit, that's a terrible decision." said the  muffled spectator. I snapped, I had had enough!

"Stop" I shouted at the 2 players, 'We have a change of ref , this dickhead standing next to me is obviously an expert, hes in I'm out." I said stepping back away from the hand rail. 

The old guy had a look of terror on his face, and he was desperately trying to speak, "Argh sorry,please I cant" he spluttered.

"Are you going to keep your trap shut? and let me make the decisions." I asked. He was nodding his head so hard I thought it might fall off. 

There was not another peep from the old prick all night , and I really tested him with a few dodgey decisions to really piss him off....I'm evil!

Good squashing

ssquashgodfather

good catch

confessions of a squash court manager

episode 14

good catch

This episode happened several years ago when the squashgodfather was a slightly leaner meaner fighting machine than he is today.

I was busy getting the Corleone squash center into its usual tip top condition for the day ahead, when I heard the bell go off signalling that some one had come in. I was just finishing up mopping the showers, so yelled out "I will be there in 2 secs" I finished the showers, put the mop in the bucket and headed out to the reception.

To my shock I saw some bastard running across the carpark carrying my cash register. Mine, the squashgodfathers . What an arsehole!!

 I immediately burst into action, without concern for life and limb and took off out the door and across the carpark after him. With amazing speed I caught up with him down  the far corner of the carpark, he had a look of sheer terror in his eyes, for he new he was trapped by the squashgodfather!

Suddenly the trapped animal spun around and as if tossing a medicine ball,  threw the bloody register at me. 

I had a split second to make a decision; the mega brain started to crunch the numbers:

1. catch the cash register and let the prick get away, or 

2. don't catch it and grab him....expensive!.

My inner tight arse kicked in and I caught the cash register. Great catch I might add, as the bloody thing weighed a ton!

good squashing

squashgodfather.