it's not me it's you

confessions of a squash court manager

episode 17

it's not me it's you

SGF: Hey squash racquet you haven't been hitting very good shots lately, whats up?

Squash Racquet: The problems not me, it's you, your useless!

SGF: What do you mean it's not you, it's me? It has to be you, I'm good!

Squash Racquet: Well, I am just graphite and string, pretty bloody simple. The problem is  a no brainer, you have no skill, you hit the frame more than the strings. So like I said, it's not me, it's definitely you.

SGF: That,s crazy, I have been playing brilliantly, it's the fact that my opponents have well behaved racquets, racquets who know their place in the world. Not like you!

Squash Racquet: I wont be held responsible for your lack of talent on a squash court. My twin brother, who came from the same factory I did, two minutes after me in fact, has not lost a match, because his you has talent.

SGF: I dont believe it, you were probably the runt of the batch, and I was unfortunate enough to pick you from the shelf. If I had picked one of the others I too would be a winner. But oh no dopey me, I chose the runt, the sales person really did a con job on me, when she said "No they are all the same" and I believed her.What an idiot.

Squash Racquet: That's it, we should have a break from each other. I want to be in the hand of someone who knows how to use a racquet, not some bozo who thinks he does but really doesn't. 

Your main problem is  you keep me in the closet too long, you don't take me out enough.

SGF: Fine, let's split. I will use other racquets, I'll show you. I will probably win the up coming club championships, with a younger, newer, sleeker model in my hand. You have been holding me back for years.

Squash Racquet: Good luck with your new racquet, I hope you will both be happy. I am a firm believer that a good tradesman doesn't blame his tool. 

Unfortunately you chose me, I didn't chose you, I had no say in it .So through no fault of mine, I got lumbered with a loser.

SGF: Loser! Who are you calling a loser? Before you came into my life I was a winner baby, slotting knicks you can only dream about. Life was amazing, I didn't have a care in the world. Then one day tragedy struck. I hit her too hard on the wall and she snapped, it was over, I had no choice but to throw her in the bin. 

That was a sad day, that's when you entered my life, I haven't been the same since. 

That fateful day at Jim Kidds when I met the runt.

Squash Racquet: You just summed it up, you hit the wall with her, another classic miss hit. As I said, it's not me it's you! Put me back in the closet.

nice try

Confessions of a squash court manager

episode 16

nice try

I cant blame anyone for trying to get something for nothing, hell, I try every trick in the book to scam a bargain. However this dickhead tried to scam me! the bloody squashgodfather, how fucking stupid can a person be?

Lets call this dickhead Vito. Vito brings his racquet in to the Corleone Squash Centre for a restring.

"Hi squashgodfather can you restring this in Technifibre for me?" he asked, handing the racquet over to me.

"No problem Vito, the question is are you good enough to need such top quality string? you could probably get away with some cheap old fishing line" I said with a smirk on my handsome face.

"You really are an arsehole? Just do it ASAP... Please." He said.  

"Will do, it will be ready tomorrow. You don't get awesome service like that anywhere else do ya?

"Yeah with a mouthful of  abuse thrown in, that's great customer service." he said heading out the door.

"Fuck off." I yelled at his back as he crossed the carpark.

I cut the old strings out of Vito's racquet and as requested restrung it in Technifibre, the king of squash string. Waste of good fucking string on Vito,if you ask me, but the customer is always right...Oh yeah!

Once finished, as always, I did a thorough inspection of the racquet and made a note of any chips, scratches or other defects. Just in case of trouble later. 

Vito's racquet had a couple of small but distinguishable chips at about the 2 o'clock position on the head. I noted these in my file, and my mind!

2 weeks later Vito comes off court and shows me his racquet, the strings were broken."whats going squashgodfather, strings break after 2 weeks. That's not good enough." he says slamming it down onto the counter.

"Calm down," I said, grabbing the racquet off the counter and having a quick look over it. There was something not quite right with  it even though it looked the same. I reached down and took out my notes and flicked through to Vito's job. Sure enough the 2 chips at 2 o'clock had disappeared. Hallelujah its a miracle! Turns out shifty Vito had 2 of the same racquets, and this was the other one.

 "Nice try Vito, get your wallet out"

another happy customer

good squashing

squashgodfather

shut up

confessions of a squash court manager

episode 15

                                                                            shut up

 This little event happened to the squashgodfather during the twilight years of his illustrious playing career. I was playing in A reserve, one grade down from the big dicks in A grade.

After 30 odd years of playing and reffing I was pretty case hardened and not prepared to take any shit, on or off the court.

It was a typical cold winters night at the Kings Park squash club. I had played my match, thoroughly kicked my opponents arse in 3 and was now reffing the next match of the night. Things were trotting along quite peacefully until the Kings Park player asks for a let. "No let" I said. The player carried on, obviously in agreement with my decision, tough shit if he didn't..

Suddenly a muffled "that's shit" came  from the old joker standing to my right, who was obviously there to watch his Kings Park mates get their arses whipped by the Corleone boys. I let it slide....but it was mentally noted.

"Let please" came another plea from the Kings Park guy.

"Yes let" I said. Once again comes a muffled "bloody hell" from the same old prick.

This went on for some time, him bitching under his breath about every one of my decisions.

"Let please" the kings Park player asks...again.

"No Let, I don't believe you would have got it." I said with an air of importance.

"Shit, that's a terrible decision." said the  muffled spectator. I snapped, I had had enough!

"Stop" I shouted at the 2 players, 'We have a change of ref , this dickhead standing next to me is obviously an expert, hes in I'm out." I said stepping back away from the hand rail. 

The old guy had a look of terror on his face, and he was desperately trying to speak, "Argh sorry,please I cant" he spluttered.

"Are you going to keep your trap shut? and let me make the decisions." I asked. He was nodding his head so hard I thought it might fall off. 

There was not another peep from the old prick all night , and I really tested him with a few dodgey decisions to really piss him off....I'm evil!

Good squashing

ssquashgodfather

good catch

confessions of a squash court manager

episode 14

good catch

This episode happened several years ago when the squashgodfather was a slightly leaner meaner fighting machine than he is today.

I was busy getting the Corleone squash center into its usual tip top condition for the day ahead, when I heard the bell go off signalling that some one had come in. I was just finishing up mopping the showers, so yelled out "I will be there in 2 secs" I finished the showers, put the mop in the bucket and headed out to the reception.

To my shock I saw some bastard running across the carpark carrying my cash register. Mine, the squashgodfathers . What an arsehole!!

 I immediately burst into action, without concern for life and limb and took off out the door and across the carpark after him. With amazing speed I caught up with him down  the far corner of the carpark, he had a look of sheer terror in his eyes, for he new he was trapped by the squashgodfather!

Suddenly the trapped animal spun around and as if tossing a medicine ball,  threw the bloody register at me. 

I had a split second to make a decision; the mega brain started to crunch the numbers:

1. catch the cash register and let the prick get away, or 

2. don't catch it and grab him....expensive!.

My inner tight arse kicked in and I caught the cash register. Great catch I might add, as the bloody thing weighed a ton!

good squashing

squashgodfather. 

one minute

confessions of a squash court manager

episode 13

one minute

I know this may sound very strange, but sometimes things happen to the squashgodfather outside the confines of the Corleone squash center which make me go; what th?

One such, what th, moment happened  when I phoned the local golf course ( I wont mention any names, to protect the stupid) to make a booking.
My old, very old, bloody ancient in fact, golfing mate and I thought it would be a nice gesture to give the folks at our local golf course the opportunity to see our silky golfing skills for a change. We have been spoiling the hackers at  a neighboring course for far too long.
Bye the way, when I say our silky skills, I actually mean mine!

"Good morning, Local golf course, how may I help you?' answered  the young woman when I called to make a booking.

"G'day love, I'm looking to book a round of nine  holes in next Wednesday morning at 8.45 for 2 of golfs finest."

"I'm sorry sir I can't get you in at 8.45.' She said with a tone of complete sincerity.

"Oh, that's no bloody good," I said, "whats the next opening time you have for nine holes,? I asked, hoping to get in some time before lunch.

"Well I can get you in at 8.46,"  she said, without the slightest hint of humour.
I paused as I eagerly awaited the punch line, but one was not was forthcoming, this doping bird was serious.

Holy quacamole what was she thinking....one whole minute, shit forget that, that's way too long to wait! "Great love, I'll take it,book us in" 

good squashing

squashgodfather

mates

confessions of a squash court manager

episode 12

mates

This particular episode was funny to me, probably due to my warped sense of humour!

A car pulls into the carpark of the Corleone Squash Center CSC, and 2 guys get out and start walking toward the entrance. They are obviously mates, both about 35ish and are talking and laughing with each other as old mates do, and they came in the same car!

"Hi Luka, how are you going?" 

One of the guys happens to be one of my members, a bit of an arsehole if truth be told.

"Hi squashgodfather, I've bought my mate Sonny in to give him a whooping." 

He said looking cockily at a not so impressed Sonny. 

"What court can we go on squashgodfather, hows about the show court?" 

Fuck no, I don't know about his mate, but Luka is a total hacker, certainly not the type of player I want to use to promote the game of squash.

"You've got to be kidding, surely? I will hide you guys as far away from the viewing public as possible, go down to court 6."

"Have you been told today that you are a real areshole, squashgodfather.?" 

He said with a tinge of venom in his voice.

"Let me see, whats the time, 11am. Yeah 3 times today already, your the 4th. Court 6, fuck off."

Away they went, down to the dungeon that is court 6, safely tucked away from public view. All seemed to go pretty well, I could hear a few yells and a bit of arguing, which is totally normal for a game of squash, you should hear the whinging that comes from my opponents.

"Give me 2 Gatorades will ya squashgodfather." 

Asked Luka, who by the look of anger on his face had  been beaten by Sonny and was subsequently buying  the drinks.An awful feeling I hear, hasn't happened to me in 40 years of playing squash!

"How was the game Luka?" 

I asked,  knowing not very good since he was buying the drinks.

" Shit house, I played like total crap, his best shots were my errors!"
Sonny chimes in, with a big toothy grin on his face. 

"I think it is a true reflection of our various abilities, I'm good and your fucking useless." 

Touche Sonny I thought.

Whack, Luka had suddenly and unexpectedly punched his mate! with a lovely crisp right cross, landing flush on Sonnys cheek. Instantly Sonny reacts and grabs Luka in a head lock and they were in to it.
I raced around the counter and pushed them towards the door, trying to avoid any stray fists. I managed to get them outside then left them to it. They stopped fighting pretty quickly once outside on the driveway, mores the pity, as I had my chair and popcorn ready to watch  Thats my warped sense of humour coming through. They dusted themselves off and headed to Lukas car, for what I am sure would be an interesting trip home.

Luka has never bought Sonny in for another game of squash....funny that!

2 more happy customers

good squashing

squashgodfather

16 beers

confessions of a squash court manager

episode 11

16 Beers 

"Hey squashgodfather you've got a pretty fit and athletic figure?"
nice bloke, I always thought  Vito was a top fella.
"for a guy your age."
arsehole!  
"How do you do it?"

This was an interesting question coming from Vito, who has been a regular once a week squash player for many years. However over the last couple of years I have noticed his guts appears to be getting bigger each week. Not a very good advertisement for the corleone squash center CSC!
 "Its not easy Vito, I maintain a very vigorous exercise regime, one which a normal human would find hard to even attempt."

"What about your diet" He asked desperately looking for an option rather than doing any extra exercise.

"Well I have a pretty normal diet, but I do enjoy a couple of beers mid week with my nightly dinner, and on the weekend I cut loose and have 3 or 4 and some wine." I could see his jaw drop, obviously hoping that I maintained this Adonis like physique on a strict diet of lettuce leaves and water.

"You call that cutting loose?" He said with a look of sheer amusement. 

"Why,  how much do you drink?" I asked him.

"During the week Monday through Thursday I have at least 16 stubbies, and more on the weekends."
Holy shit !  I am amazed he even has a  pulse, and I bet that's not sweat on his forehead but pure fucking beer.

"You must be bloody joking? 16 stubbies at least every night, that's your problem Vito"
I now realize its probably not his stomach that has grown, but his fucking bladder.
"Try cutting back to an even dozen a night, the weight will fall off you." NOT

Pearls of wisdom!

good squashing

squashgodfather